A New Normal: Self Love 2.0

I've been taking real good care of myself lately. 💖

I realized that in the past 5 months, my main priority has been my health and fitness. And yes, I’m surprised myself.

If you met me back in 2012, you’d be, too.

My life 5 years ago is so far from how I live it now. Toxic is an understatement. I was self-destructing. Looking after my health and sanity was the last thing on my mind, because I just wanted to chase pleasure after pleasure by abusing my body with drugs and alcohol and hooking up with men I barely know.

If you watched me live my hedonist lifestyle, you’d see how reckless I was.


There were nights of taking extacy and going to clubs alone. There were early mornings of going home with a random stranger I just met. There were episodes of drinking too much alcohol while on drugs, mixing everything together to make a cocktail of wastedness out of myself. There were days of not giving a rat’s ass about my hygiene because I was too busy getting high. I just stopped caring. I remember starting my waking moments looking for my bottle of Cuervo. If I feel like I’ve been having way "too much" alcohol, for a milder fix, I just add shots of rum in my coffee mug for breakfast. Lunch was more capsules to drop. During the times that I need to give my body sustenance, I fed it crappy fast food. Anything to digest on the days I’m not getting high was good enough (because I couldn't eat when I was on drugs).


I was jeopardizing myself while calling it freedom. I’d wait for dealers I’ve never met in gasoline stations and parking lots. I’d hop in their car to go some place where we can score drugs. I really only see now how idiotic everything I did was. I was just hell-bent on feeding my addictions. I was so out of touch with the fact that chasing highs motivated every decision I made and I was putting myself in great danger. I could’ve been harmed at any moment in the situations I put myself in. I just didn’t love myself enough to give a shit, and the funny thing is, I thought I did.


Sometimes people think that doing whatever they want is an act of self-love, but if you really, really, really ponder on it long and hard enough, it just really isn’t. Sometimes, the things we want are what can actually destroy us. Sometimes, what we want for ourselves is really rooted in a place of hate, but we fool ourselves into justifying that we’re just self-medicating. That this is how we deal, and it's going to make everything better. We become too engrossed with our problems that we cannot see the bigger picture. We try to fix things on our own, only to find ourselves in a much bigger mess that is much harder to clean up.

Thankfully (x infinity because I'm forever grateful), God loves unconditionally. He hurt while I was hurting, and He loves me so much that He wanted a new life for me. He is just so faithful. He gave me hope. He knew in my heart that the lifestyle I was living wasn’t the kind of life I really wanted for myself, but I didn't know how to stop. He gave me unlimited chances to start over and over and over again. It is only by His grace I’m alive and not in jail right now (there were many moments where I almost got caught with drugs!!!), and it’s only by His grace that I am treating my body and myself with genuine love and respect.

When I turned 25, I asked God desperately to help me start the journey of becoming the woman I’ve always wanted to be. It didn’t start until 7 months later because of my own struggles and disobedience, but when I finally surrendered, WOW. EH 'DI WOW NA LANG MASASABI KO. God just catapulted me to a trajectory I couldn't and wouldn't have ever imagined. I finally took my wellness seriously and I know it’s only because I prayed for it.


Right now, God’s been helping me up my self-love game and I’m sincerely enjoying every second of it. Everything I do is out of the respect and love I genuinely have for myself and this body I’ve been blessed with. I eat right and I cook my own food. I wake up early, spend the first few minutes of my morning in gratitude and prayer. I think of things to do to advance our advocacy and do it. I actually work now (still a little lazy at times but I’m making huge progress! LOL). I allow myself to be intentional in connecting and forming relationships with people. I am pursuing boxing again. I don’t feel bad about spending my Friday nights at home, alone.

You know what’s really new to me? This feeling of contentment that I have in myself. Like, I’m really trying to be my own best friend, and I’m pretty surprised I'm enjoying my own company. This is just all so new to me. I’ve never felt this way in a long time. Having alone time used to be a way to escape at the expense of my own wellness and sanity, whether by binging on porn, or getting high and wasted. Now everything’s changed. Alone time is all about embracing being alone and not feeling lonely, getting lost in rediscovering myself, and just getting to know who Stacy really is again. And the best part is, I’m liking who I’m knowing.

It’s just mind-blowing how God can change our lives. It may seem restrictive when you’re coming from place of anarchy under the guise of liberty, but ultimately, God’s way of life for us is one that’s truly freeing.

God has redefined and is still redefining for me what happiness is. Happiness used to be about having a complete stash of drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. It used to be ending work early on a Friday night so I can head to the nearest bar to pre-game before partying. It used to be having attractive guy/s to screw around with. It used to be a night of going to 6 different clubs until I chuck my heels to walk bare-foot on the city streets. It used to be chasing temporary highs.

Now, happiness is doing the groceries on an early weekday. It’s writing an article where I pour my heart and my soul to. It's taking the time to style myself and put makeup on, because I wanna present my best self to the world. It's enjoying long showers that end with body scrubs and facial masks. It's sharing my story to other women so I can let them know there are other ways to find contentment on this planet, apart from looking hot, playing "cool", and being desired by boys. It’s laughing my butt off over the silliest jokes. It's being kengkoy and authentic while remaining fully sober. It’s spending quality time with my family. It’s giving time to my friends. It’s building new relationships. It’s investing in myself by doing beneficial things my future self will thank me for. It’s about adding value to my life, instead of downgrading myself with stupid decisions that I know I'll only regret later.

The love I have for myself now is far greater than the “love” I thought I had before. Everything is falling into place, and I’m focusing on wellness and becoming whole. I am healing from my past. I’m actually building an environment I can say yes to, and not just wasting my energy on always resisting temptations. I know it’s only because I’m letting God fill up my love tank that I can overflow to myself and to others. This is my normal now. This is God’s new normal. And truth is, there’s nothing really “normal” about living His kind of normal. It’s always gonna be extra-ordinary and filled with grace, truth, and love. 😍