A Fortunate Fall

It's been 5 days of complete clarity. No highs, no drunkenness, no lustful thrills.

It's currently also day 4 of our church's prayer and fasting week. Contrary to every dark thought of hopelessness in my head before starting my fast, God is slowly washing them all away and reminding me that there is always Light at the end of the tunnel. Today I can finally see a glimmer, and little glimmer is all I need.

Up until the past Sunday, I was just binging on everything I could exhaust pleasure and intoxication from: weed, alcohol, porn, masturbation. I wanted to abuse everything right before sobering up. I knew going into prayer and fasting was me giving God a chance to breathe life back to my spirit, as I'd been starving it to death by over-feeding my flesh. The logic of an addicted person is extremely unsound, as evidenced by how I just went all out on everything I "struggled" with.

It was like going on an empty stomach to a lunch buffet that's almost closing. I knew I had limited time, so I indulged. Excessively. I didn't want to struggle anymore, so what else was there to do? I just kept giving in and giving in until I was back to being numb and lost as to why I was still doing the things I did. I was just basking in my shame, and that shame fueled me all the more to keep doing the very same things that gave me shame.

An excerpt from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"Why are you drinking?" demanded the little prince.
"So that I may forget," replied the tippler.
"Forget what?" inquired the little prince, who already was sorry for him.
"Forget that I am ashamed," the tippler confessed, hanging his head.
"Ashamed of what?" insisted the little prince, who wanted to help him.
"Ashamed of drinking!" The tippler brought his speech to an end, and shut himself up in an impregnable silence.
And the little prince went away, puzzled.
"The grown-ups are certainly very, very odd," he said to himself, as he continued on his journey.

Thankfully, there's Grace that abounds. I don't know what made me discontinue everything I was doing. It's also a shock to me that in a day I was able to push myself towards the other end of the spectrum. To other side where joy, hope, and unconditional love overflows. It really wasn't because of me or my will. It's ultimately the grace of Jesus.

Instead of magnifying and obsessing over my iniquities, I am putting the focus back to Him. That's the only way I can pull myself from any further descent in my self-destructive ways. Truth is, I already know this isn't the last time this is going to happen. I'm sure I'll find myself stumbling, and perhaps even falling again. If there's one thing people often mistake about this Christian walk, it's that they think sin is something they can "graduate" from. People think this intimate walk with Jesus is a linear journey and there is a "finish line" where everything's gonna be fine and dandy and we'll forever be holy from then on. I thought the same, hence being prideful when I feel like I've made it, only to find myself back in the same old mess right after. The ugly truth is, our walk will never be linear. Our relationship with our Perfect God will always be messy because we, as human beings, are messed up creatures due to our sins and selfishness. But the beautiful part that makes up for all this is Jesus. Through Him, we'll have countless of resurrections from the death that sin holds upon us. We may never be sinless, but through Jesus' grace, sinning less is possible.

This morning I just bawled my eyes out while listening to Kings Kaleidoscope, one of my all-time favorite bands.

This is the state of my soul right now. Have a listen. This song always pulls me through. It's a beautiful reminder that our wretchedness shouldn't be the end of us, but the beginning of Christ's work in our lives.





FELIX CULPA

Turn the lights on, look at what I have
See the twisted trophies of a dead man
Countless stories, tell of sin and pain
But they sing the sweetness of my savior’s grace

I’m a torn man, spirit fighting flesh
There’s a battle raging deep in my chest
But all that haunts me, all that leaves a stain
Only sings the sweetness of my savior’s grace

A fortunate fall, my sins are stories of grace to recall
A fortunate fall, I glory in my sins forgiven

Jesus bought me, and now I am his
Dying with him, in his death I now live
All my vices, to which I’ve been chained
Only speak the sweetness of my savior’s grace

And still I’m a wicked, wretched man, I do everything I hate
I am fighting to be god, I seethe and claw and thrash and shake
I have killed and stacked the dead, on a throne from which I reign
In the end I just want blood, and with his blood my hands are stained

See the God who reigns on high, he has opened his own veins
From his wounds a rushing torrent that can wash it all away
Grace upon grace, upon grace upon grace