I can't do this anymore

I've become a coward.

What happened to me?

I got lost in the midst of it all.

Where did my voice go?

All of a sudden there was this pause—a doubt, a fear, a back and forth of sureness and irresolution—that always ended at keeping my mouth closed the moment I wanted to say something relevant.

I suddenly felt caught in between two things: wanting to speak the truth as a media literacy advocate and wanting to belong in the media industry.

But no one can serve two masters at once. It's impossible to be friends with the mainstream media while raising awareness about the messages they send and how it negatively affects our society.

Something's gotta give.

For a brief period of time, my priorities got muddled and somehow, I got persuaded that my ultimate purpose is to look good on Instagram, to sexualize myself while (ironically) screaming "WOMEN EMPOWERMENT!" and to make sure I was visible enough to get invited to all these lavish media events that gathered famous people together.

At the stillness of it all, when the shoots were over and my Instagram's notification ceased to alert with new followers... While I rested in my own existence... I started to question myself. What were my reasons for doing what I didn't want to do, and for not doing what I wanted to do?

I wanted to be accepted, and remain accepted.

But then I asked myself again. By who? By people who only knew 2 things about me—my name and what I do? Who did I want acceptance from, really? People who only acknowledged me with feigned hi's and besos the moment they felt I was "famous" enough and on the same "level" as them?

I guess I'm not as good and deep and mature as I'd like to think I am.

Because apparently, the free tickets, the exclusive access, and the sponsorships all toyed with my head. My deceitful heart eventually turned to it as a shallow source of ego boost. I enjoyed feeling good about the idea that perhaps, "I made it" since I'm rubbing elbows with esteemed people with big names. It gave me some sort of validation, and like a drug, I soon kept craving for that jolt of self-importance that exclusive invites and VIP treatments sparked.

How superficial of me. This isn't who I am.

Or at least this isn't the kind of person I want to be.

I.
AM.
DONE.

I am done pretending I'm fine with petty conversations about who's dating who, who's sleeping with who, and who bought the latest designer shoes.

I am done pretending to believe that this hyper-sexualized road where body positivity is going is indeed truly body positive. I admit that I jumped the bandwagon of the sexualized portrayal of plus size models not so long ago, and it is something I deeply regret today.

I am done pretending I have nothing to say about magazines, commercials, TV and radio shows that really only perpetuate the objectification of women.

To know my best angle in photos, curate my Instagram feed, and be an "online influencer" (of consumerism) is not why I am here. This is not my calling.

And instead of wanting to be accepted for all the wrong reasons, it's time I accept myself completely and what I am set to do.

Now that I see it for what it is—now that I am back in harmony with my inner self—I realize that I fell into the pressure of keeping up with all the others. In feed aesthetic, in likes, in followers.

This is why I obsessed with getting that perfect #ootd shot to the point of having my twin sister take a million photos of me in the middle of a backdrop-worthy street (my pose needs to be on point while staging it to look as natural as possible; my face and hair have to look great, there shouldn't be someone in the background, and my outfit has to be stiff and wrinkle-free). This is why I forced myself to go to certain events that I wasn't really keen on for the sake of attendance, since all the "Insta-famous" personalities will be present. I wanted to show everyone I was included—that I was "worthy" just like all of them. This is why I found myself riding the trend of this so-called brand of body positivity, which is really nothing but plus size women objectifying themselves, selling sex to the male gaze, just so we can push our online magazine mainstream.

The more I preoccupied myself with things that did not feel true to my soul, things that I felt were not adding value to my life, the more I lost my voice. The more the passion in my heart slowly fizzled out.

And for this, I am sincerely and genuinely sorry. To myself and to everyone.

I became apprehensive to speak my truths as I put on this mask of an acceptable, likable, version of myself.

I became reluctant to make a stand because I got scared of who I might offend when I expose the harmful and often dumb messages communicated by the (mainstream) media. I got scared of losing the privileges, the VIP invites, and the prestige of being a guest writer for mainstream publications.

NOT ANYMORE.

I can't do this anymore.

I cannot stay inauthentic to myself and to everyone around me in exchange of being well-liked and hater-free.

Because even if other people remained liking me, I was beginning to hate me.

It was a cheap trade off that I do not deserve.

I need to free myself from this bondage of pleasing people.

I know what needs to be done, and this time, it will be done (LORD, HAAAAALP!). My soul is dying to speak up against women's issues (even if it means calling out my fellow sisters too), and stand up to the degrading, sex-centric ideals that the mainstream media is shoving down everyone's throats. It's turning everyone into zombies who don't dare question anything.

I just cannot sit down and watch everyone be deceived by their definitions of manhood and womanhood. It is affecting all of us and it is shaping our culture and society today.

I can't do this anymore. It is destroying me.

It is killing my soul.

Am I saying that I'm personally blacklisting myself from media industry?

OF COURSE NOT.

All I'm saying is from here on out, everything else is taking a backseat as I live out my true purpose and calling. I'm still part of the media industry, and I will use this as leverage to wake people up. I'm still going to attend events, but only those I deem beneficial to my time and my brand. I am NOT taking myself out of the industry that provides and brings food to our table, BUT I will not water down my beliefs and what I stand for just for the sake of getting features. I am ridding myself of this great fear of living out my true calling just so I do not step on other people's toes.

I am still going to pursue my modeling career because I believe representation matters. But I am ready to refuse projects and shoots that will only portray me like I am some piece of meat. I no longer want to add to the millions of images that represent women as a sexual object, sending this (body) message loud and clear to the male audience: "I'm ready to have sex with you, I am yours for the taking!" (Just look at the majority of mainstream ads today. Read the poses, the body language, and the facial expressions of the female models. What is the message they're communicating?)

My purpose as I pass through this earth is to use my voice to speak the Truth in a world full of lies.

I just really, truly, and sincerely—with every fiber of my being—want to talk about relevant issues (nothing concerning the Kardashians) and start conversations that truly matter with my sphere of influence. I want to provoke thought and make everyone see that there is more to women than showing off their boobs and butts while wearing the "F*ck me!" gaze. I want to draw the line between true empowerment and self-objectification. (If you study the relationship of SUBJECT vs. OBJECT, the object will always be subordinate to its subject, because it is just always waiting to be acted upon. The subject is always the doer. Will share more data and studies on this soon!)

I want to help men realize they are not the hyper-masculine, sex-crazed maniacs that majority of the mainstream media persuades them they are.

I want to set women free from the sexy lie that's been embedded in our culture. I want to show them a liberating way to live, one that doesn't involve constant body monitoring and the fixation to attract boys. I want to redefine womanhood according to God's truths and standards. I want to teach them that CHARACTER still matters, even if the world shows otherwise. I want them to grow up knowing their inherent value, and realizing that their capabilities are far greater than learning how to contour and wear false eyelashes. I want them to know that there are other options of women they can look up to, not just these sex symbols the media celebrates for showing off their butt implants and lip fillers.

I need to speak the Truth louder and bolder because it will never be handed out freely by the world. It will never be televised to enlighten everyone.

The Truth is to be sought out, and I know deep in my heart, mind, and soul that I am called to help bring the Truth to light. This doesn't mean I won't sound offensive at times, because the Truth can sound like hate to those who hate the Truth—but I will do my best with God's guidance to speak in Love and Compassion.

I'd rather be hated by some and live out my purpose than die a thousand deaths before I rest in my grave for being a coward.