One of the many things life's forcing me to confront lately is my codependent relationship with my twin sister, specifically when it comes to making friends.

Danah's just a born natural at it. She's friendly, she's more outgoing, and it's just so easy for her to socialize. I, on the other hand, am more of an introvert. I'd rather spend my days alone indoors. Even the workouts I prefer are ones that don't require a teammate (boxing and indoor cycling, LOL). I'm pretty content being on my own. Or maybe I've been so codependent with my twin sister that I didn't bother creating solid relationships beyond our twinship.

This doesn't mean I can't make friends. I had my own set of friends in elementary and high school, and Danah had hers. Mine was usually just a few. I wasn't a part of a barkada until college, and I got out of it before graduating. I guess it's just not my thing to be a part of a large and exclusive group. Danah always had a lot of friends, and was part of a bunch of different cliques. But eventually, we'd always introduce our friends and "share" them to each other.

When I started doing drugs, obviously I picked "friends" who only liked to get high too. Drugs were our thing, the common denominator that bonded the friendship. After years of living a very hedonistic and toxic lifestyle, it drained me. My soul was dying, the relationships I built were all superficial, and I knew I had to leave the druggie and party life to focus on my spirituality. I turned to Danah to help me get out of my old life. She was ahead of me in her Christian walk and was already attending a discipleship group. She invited me to join, and that's when I started attending church again.

I never noticed it until recently, but I realize that I never really put any initiative in socializing and creating friendships. Danah's the one who'd do that for the both of us. She would always come home from a party or an event and tell me about all the awesome people she had met, and sooner or later would bring them over to introduce to me. She's also the one making all the plans for get-togethers, and I'd just follow her lead. I mean, sure I made friends and would initiate gatherings too, but not to the level that consistently cultivates and deepens friendships. I guess when I try to make friends, it just lasts up after a few hang outs and then one party would stop reaching out and it all just fizzles and dies. (Ack, this is getting painful to write!)

I guess I just lost faith in myself to make friends with legitimately good people. Maybe I've limited my social skills to just being friends with addicts that I never really learned to trust myself after I got sober. I just also got too dependent on Danah because she made really cool friends that I liked too, so why even bother. I noticed that I have a habit of engaging on and off in conversations as well, so letting Danah do all the socializing was an advantage for me.

Just a few hours ago, I was going through my contacts list, looking for someone I can reach out to. I was literally looking for potential friends on my phone. LOL. Man, was that tough. The ones I'm sincerely interested in reconnecting with are either married, engaged, or busy raising kids. I know that shouldn't stop me from reaching out, but to be honest, I need friends I can rely on at anytime of the day. People who have the same liberties as me. And to be really blunt, I want friends I can be clingy with (and vice versa!) at this point in my life, because I feel like I'm starting from scratch, and there's so much support I need in dealing with the chaos that is my life right now.

UUUUUGHHHH THIS IS GONNA BE HAAAARDDDDDDD

I'm not saying I don't have any friends. I have like 3 (LOL) solid best friends (Danah included), who are as close as sisters to me. Their knowledge of who I am is beyond the surface, straight to the soul. We've reached the point where we just tell each other things as it is, no matter painful or harsh it might sound, for the sake of the spiritual maturity and growth of the other. We do life together. But there are seasons of busy-ness and times when there's distance between us. Currently, one of them is too preoccupied running a cafe, the other is taking up her masters in London, and Danah... Well, I think it's just time that I stop being so codependent on her and start to individuate from our twinship.

I also have other close friends... But thing is, all my friends are Danah's friends too, and all her friends are my friends too. I just think now's the best time for me to have a social life of my own. One that is not so enmeshed with my twin's. I'd like to have close friendships with fellow Christians that I built myself, not just ones that are passed on to me by my sister. I'd like to learn to trust myself in building relationships that are going to be of good influence to me and would add value to my life in the long run. :(

THIS IS ALREADY FREAKING ME OUTTTTTTTTTTTTT

I know how to do it but I don't know where or how to begin. I know it will be a lot of hanging out and talking before knowing if we click or not, and thinking about it already exhausts me. It's gonna be a lot of hi's and goodbye's before I find a human being that I genuinely like spending time with. UUUUUGHHHHHHHHH

HAHAHAHAHAMAYBEISHOULDJUSTHIBERNATEANDGETACATORSOMETHING

One thing's for sure, I'd also need the grace of God to form new and solid friendships. I gotta keep praying.

HEEEEELP ME LORDDDDDD

I feel like this season of my life is going to be a lot like the movie I Love You, Man. I want to find my  Sydney Fife. Or maybe 4 of them. (Longshot, I know!)

LOL

I stopped writing because I stopped being authentic for a while now. For years now, actually. And oh how I missed both.

As a blogger, I write personal experiences. I put my thoughts, feelings, and experiences to writing. That's just what I do, ever since I was an awkward high-schooler sharing her teenage dramas and daily musings on Xanga. I am blessed to have been able to make a living out of it.

I never felt held back then. I would express how I felt freely and honestly, without too much thought about what others might think when they read my posts. I remember one time, a relative scolded me for sharing "too much" about my struggles online. It didn't bother me one bit. I did it for myself. It was my therapy.

The past years, things have changed. Suddenly there was just too much shame in sharing where I am in the different seasons of my life. It started after some slips with drugs and alcohol. A lie in my head said that it was hypocrisy to talk about my struggles and my failures. How would people react when I had just shared my testimony as a Christian proclaiming to have found freedom from addiction through Christ? It never reached the point that it was as bad as it used to, but I just had unattainably high expectations from myself. I pressured myself to get it perfectly right away. I envisioned the walk as a linear journey. A few months off drugs and alcohol must've meant I've "graduated" from it. A few moments of passion and boldness for the Lord must've meant I'm becoming a "next-level" Christian. A few months of consistency in reading the Bible must've meant I'm untouchable by the enemy.

Now I laugh at this perspective. I see it as a grandiose delusion to even think for a second that I'll eventually walk this walk immaculately.

The increase of my following count on social media also got to my head. I guess I am an "online celebrity" to some extent, and the pressure to keep things 100% positive 100% of the time just got too real. I started carrying the weight of other people's expectations of me, and I got scared to fall short.

I'm not saying I'm obligated to share everything happening to me, or that I must disclose every detail in every story to my followers.

It's just that I've been operating in fear. And if what motivates one to act is fear, the restrictions that come with it just inevitably become a burden too great to bear. The fear of being called a hypocrite. The fear of losing the likes. The fear of losing online friends. The fear of being misunderstood and getting hate.

I AM EXHAUSTED.

"The price of acceptance is too high if it costs you who you are."

It's been 7 years of writing on and off. Of writing "safely" to preserve the Stacy I was curating online. It's annoying because I have programmed myself to have this inauthentic, commercialized voice when I write the past couple of years. If you've been following me for quite some time now, it is pretty obvious. There's nothing "me" in there. I'd just put words together to construct a fairly decent article. It's never from the soul. And it makes me feel like a fraud.

I don't want to keep pleasing other people anymore. I miss being me. I miss writing from the heart—a sincere place of honesty and authenticity. I just want to write for me again. Write to release. Write to understand myself better.

Writing has always been a crucial part of my existence, hence the frustration and anger for stopping for so long.

Thank God for endless chances to try again and start again.

Today I am more grounded in how I view my walk as a Christian. Instead of thinking that I've earned "points" every time I do something right, I remind myself that I am just a wretch receiving the unrelenting grace of Jesus. I HAVEN'T EARNED ANYTHING AND I NEVER WILL. It is only His righteousness in me through the cross that makes me capable to obey. It's not about feeling proud about what I do or what I no longer do anymore, because at the core I am still as sinner and I am just a sinner. My good works are nothing but filthy rags to God. And I can't parade rags to a King. Doing so would be utterly foolish.

My hope is in Jesus. He's all I have left.

God has His ways of disciplining His children. I have been humbled from my state of self-righteousness. It's terrifyingly painful, but I'm still grateful nonetheless.

I am slowly rediscovering who I am in Christ. Looking back, it's been a year of being in limbo in my spiritual walk. I have become overly dependent on my sister to drag me with her as she pursued God. I became her tail; I thought following her lead would be enough to keep my soul nourished. But now I am learning that there's no such thing as secondhand faith. I have to get up on my own two feet and start pursuing Jesus by myself.

So this is where I am. This is why I haven't been writing. I hope as I move forward, things start to creep upward from here.

I ask you for your prayers.

Thank you, friends.